Paperwork, Paperwork, Paperwork

It’s ironic – I’ve lost my office job, but I feel like I do nothing but paperwork and make phone calls since this diagnosis.

• Applying for government assistance (denied) and insurance whilst in the hospital.
• Applying for financial assistance for our astronomical ER/hospital bill.
• Applying for temporary disability.
• Applying for financial assistance for my Disease Modifying Therapy medication.
• Taxes came in the middle of all of this.
• Requesting that my insurance let me see the only neurologist within a 100 mile area as “in network” since her office is not contracted with my insurance.
• Checking EOBs non-stop for doctor visits to make sure my insurance is paying correctly.
• Applying for programs that help with the cost of MRIs.
• Applying for permanent disability (a fiasco I’m just starting and scared as hell that I’ll be denied because then what?)
• Shopping for the cheapest cell phone plans possible to save money (Ha!  You should see them!  Still not advancing into the smart phone age, but moving backward… these don’t even have a Qwerty keyboard!)
• Applying for further financial assistance from the hospital for steroid infusions from my second attack.
• Budgeting constantly as bills have massively increased and income has massively decreased.

Am I complaining?  Yeah, a little bit.  I feel an overwhelming amount of stress and anxiety.  Some days I feel like I’m about to lose it.  Today I’m just a little angry and annoyed.  It’s a whole lot of responsibility and things to remember when a person is having an exceedingly difficult time focusing on or remembering anything.  I’m writing shit down everywhere at home – in notebooks, on white boards.  I keep toying with the idea of buying a daily journal/planner to carry around with me, but then I balk at the idea because I wonder how many notebooks do I actually need?  (I get panicked and go into major organization mode… it’s not always helpful, often it’s a hindering mess disguised as “organization”.)

Today a friend asked if I’d feed her dogs for two days.  I had to ask for pen and paper to write down the exact days, to write down the exact times, to write down that one dog takes medicine, where the dog bowls are and the food.  Things that I’d never have any issues with before.  And I’m supposed to start with tomorrow night’s dinner – I wrote that down.  But when I left, I still said, “I’ll be back in the morning to feed them breakfast!”  “No… no, we don’t need you to start until tomorrow night.”  I had to pull out the notes I’d written and double-check that I’d written that down.  I feel like such a batty flake.

But… what’s the alternative?  The idea of “giving up” occurs to me quite often, I’m afraid to admit.  Not suicidal, just like, “What if I just shut down and check out and go into a mental coma?”  Then I kind of imagine how that would go and realize a) it wouldn’t do any good and b) I’d just feel worse about myself and everything.  So as bleak as I feel on some days (and there have been more bleak days lately than I’d like), there doesn’t seem like much else to do but tell myself it could be worse and to just keep moving forward because there’s nothing else I can do.

It was “officially” my last day of work today.  I’ve only been going a few hours a week (because that’s all I can do) and that’s to train my replacement.  I received my last paycheck and also a letter of recommendation that I requested, in case the fatigue does ever go away and I’m able to work again, even if it’s part time.  I’m not really much of a braggart, but I’m going to post this letter because I had such a craptastic day today and I’ve been way over-emotional lately (seriously, I think something is out of whack with my hormones – last Thursday I woke up crying and cried all damn day, which is not like me at all.)  So when I read this letter, it really made me feel better.  It’s making me feel better right now just thinking about it.  It makes me feel that I at least made life a little bit brighter and easier for other people, and that makes me feel pretty good.

To Whom It May Concern,

I highly recommend Jennifer [Last Name] as an employee.  She excels at customer service and brings a positive feeling to the work place.

Jennifer worked at my office for 3 years.  She was the only employee.  Her duties included everything that needed to be done that the doctor did not do.  This included receptionist, payments and billing, inventory, cleaning rooms, running errands and solving problems.  She proved very capable at multitasking and keeping track of numerous details.  We transitioned to an electronic health system that, due to her ability, happened faster and smoother than expected.  Because she was so competent, I asked her to increase her job duties by learning how to bill insurance.  She communicated quite well whether it was problems, compliments or questions.  She maintained excellent boundaries with a needy population.

Jennifer is one of those rare employees that improved the work place just by being herself.  She always seemed happy, calm and competent.  Patients looked forward to seeing her because she made them smile.  I thought of her as a rainbow and sunshine [This is my favourite part because despite my complaining post, I generally feel like my insides are full of rainbows!].  I learned to thoroughly trust her and rarely needed to ask for improvement.  She freed me from many business details, so that I could concentrate on patient care.

I hope I can find another employee as excellent as Jennifer.

I hope one day soon I can work again and use this letter to get a great job.