Conflict

I find myself struggling with accepting this diagnosis (which is ICD-9 medical diagnosis code 340).

There are a great many days where I feel like I have accepted it and don’t feel a conflict.  But I feel like I’m having more and more days where I’m trying to figure out just how I feel about it.  Today is one of the more difficult days.  I’m having what is probably one of the worst days I’ve had, symptom-wise, since I got diagnosed in December.  I awoke crying from a dream that a loved one had eight days to live.  Because of the dream (I think), I felt physically and emotionally exhausted before I even got out of bed.  Then I realized that I was having a very hard time focusing my eyes and my brain.  I’m brushing against every corner I turn, bumping into doorways, tripping over my feet, fumbling objects from my hands.  I can’t concentrate on anything… I was trying to watch the current episode of Vikings, which is only forty-five minutes long streaming, and I paused about eight times and it took about 2 hours to watch.  I don’t usually have these issues.

• Cognitive Changes

  • Memory (acquiring, retaining and retrieving new information) – yes
  • Attention and concentration (particularly divided attention) – yes
  • Information processing (dealing with information gathered by the five senses) – yes, burn myself a lot before realizing how hot something is; and I go from feeling cold to hot in regards to body temp
  • Executive functions (planning and prioritizing) – yes, tried doing the budget today, wasn’t working at all
  • Visuospatial functions (visual perception and constructional abilities) – yes, go to pick something up and it’s not where I thought it’d be when I looked
  • Verbal fluency (word-finding) – yes, man… i’m having such issues with “finding my big girl words”!

  -National Multiple Sclerosis Society

I’ve found myself feeling a lot of anxiety lately as I try to balance our household budget with all of the additional bills from the uninsured hospital visit that gave me this diagnosis combined with a loss of income, as I have recently lost my job.  My boss has had to replace me with someone who can work full time.  I can only seem to work two to three hours a day, and when I do, I’m exhausted the next day.  Though I am currently on temporary disability, it’s quite a pay cut to take when expenses have only increased.  Then I find myself anxious about what the next step is – do I have to go on permanent disability at 36 years old?  (I have an appointment next week with my physician that has me on temporary disability and will have to discuss my options.)  I hear a lot of people have difficulty and are denied the first time they apply.  Will we have a period where there’s no income on my behalf?  Finances stress me out and drive me mad.

So I’m feeling extremely melodramatic, and I’m a person who abhors drama.  I will actually go out of my way to avoid drama.  This diagnosis has me feeling like a drama queen… like when I say this whole reality feels so unfamiliar to me.  I’m a creative person, I’m always creating stories in my head, and I feel like this is something that I made up while daydreaming (day nightmaring?).  It’s so completely different from the life that I led pre-diagnosis, that I often feel like I’m looking at myself from a third person perspective – like it’s not real, or watching it happen to someone else.  I wonder if this isn’t a form of denial?  Denial is supposed to be the first stage of grief (then anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance).  My order feels all mixed up.  I actually was very accepting of it initially, and I’m fairly certain I wasn’t in shock.  Then I got angry.  I’m not sure what I could bargain for, and depression has only come in short 2-3 hour long infrequent bouts.  So maybe not feeling like it’s really happening to me could be denial?

I’ve been really emotional too!  I start crying at everything and I feel horrible for my husband, who’s been really patient with it.  But I’m so tired of being a weeping mess!

I really just don’t know how I feel about it. I don’t think I can even really say I’m pissed.  Inconvenienced.  Annoyed.  Irritated.  Baffled.  Bewildered.  Bored.

Bored!  Man, that is an accurate word!  I’m just bored of always thinking about MS.  I read a lot of other people’s posts about how they don’t let MS (or other diseases) “define” them.  I don’t want it to define me either.  But fuck if I can’t stop thinking about it All.  Of.  The.  Time.  I keep trying to convince myself that it’s normal because it’s still so new to me, so I’m in an adjustment period and I have to first learn to live with it and how it affects everything I do on a daily basis, and then it’ll become second nature and I won’t think about it all the time.  But I’m at about four months in, so should I be used to it by now?  I don’t know.

I don’t even have a good summary statement to make.  I think this post probably jumped around a little… like I said, I’m having issues focusing and keeping a clear train of thought.  And I’m self-medicating to help the symptoms, so I’m double-whammied on the thinking game today! 

Today’s Symptoms:

• Cognitive problems
• Vertigo
• Issues focusing visually
• Motor skill issues
• Numbness on right side at a medium level
• Light muscle spasms